Do you burn water? Does your idea of cooking involve mainly reheating pizza in the microwave? This is a safe space and you are not alone. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat, step away from the stove top and order in.
Here are 7 signs you shouldn’t be in a kitchen.
1. Your family really doesn’t want you to offer to help
Are your questions of ‘what can I do to help?’ met with fearful stares and awkward silences? This is a sure sign that you’re less of a help and more of a hazard in the kitchen. Make yourself useful in other ways – like topping up drinks – or just generally stay very, very far away from the kitchen.
2. Forget burning food, you’ve moved on to burning parts of your own body
Burning food is old news, you’re such a lost cause in the kitchen that now when you smell something on fire, you immediately know it’s something on your person. Be it your fingers or hands, or even your hair, clearly nothing is safe when you’re left to your own devices.
You’re something of a firestarter, but not in a good way
Fire outside in the braai? Very good. Fire inside, in the kitchen? Not so much. If you’ve started so many fires indoors that your family is beginning to think you’re a pyromaniac, it might be time to step away from the heat source.
You’ve worked more plastic into dishes than edible ingredients
Plastic enrages you. And not necessarily because you’re an environmental warrior, but because you’ve unintentionally melted plastic containers into food more times than you’d care to admit.
You’ve sacrificed a part of your body to the food gods
Chefs on TV make chopping an onion look so easy, but do you know what’s even easier? Chopping off the tip of your finger. Yes, you hate to admit it, but your knife has seen more blood than a surgeon’s blade, and you’ve certainly shed a fair amount of blood, sweat and tears while trying to cook something.
You’ve felt chilli in places that no human should ever have to feel it
Chilli truly is one of life’s greatest aromatics. That clean, continuous spice is something we all crave at one time or another. Except that time you decided to freshly chop some for your dinner and stupidly forgot to wash your hands extremely carefully and, after a trip to the loo, that chilli became the gift that kept on giving for a very long time.
Your microwave has been the cause of more explosions than the world’s largest nuclear site
You may have (ahem, finally) figured out that metal is very bad in microwaves, but that doesn’t prevent you from starting small nuclear explosions on a regular basis. While you’ve stopped microwaving metal bowls, you’ve also learned the hard way that closed Tupperware, glass and even potatoes can become dangerous weapons when placed in the microwave. Do yourself, and others around you, a favour – just step away from the microwave.
If some (or all) of these sound like you, you’re not alone and you shouldn’t worry. We all have different talents and cooking just isn’t yours, so next time you’re faced with a hungry belly, step away from the oven and call Mr D Food instead.