No, I am
not the Grinch – I actually like Christmas day, but I have grown up with
the crappiest of Christmas food.
Why?
This is thanks to this strange adoption of British Christmas
fare in a country that has a summer Christmas. Why are we forced to eat Winter
comfort food in our board shorts and a T-Shirt?
Since some of the
older people in the family have become worm food, the younger generation have been
trying to sneak in some more modern, summer dishes, with limited success.
However there are still the ‘die hards’ who expect their turkey and traditional
Christmas pudding in 30 degree heat! Save me.
South Africa and Turkey – ‘What?’
We never
have Turkey any other time of the year except on the 25th of
December.
Now I am sure that many of you have Turkey recipes that keep the meat
moist blah blah blah, but in my experience, when cooking something only once a
year – usually when you are half pissed, means it is never going to be cooked
well.
We have tried all manner of methods (lately the Weber edition
wrapped in foil has been popular) but it is never even close to being as nice
as a Weber chicken – see my fool-proof recipe.
So I ask you with tears in my eyes “Why can’t we just have chicken?”. Chicken is moist, tastes better and you actually want it for leftovers.
Now that I
think about it, I have never even seen a turkey farm in South Africa so I
assume they are imported as they are always frozen in the shops.
Mince
Pies
Grim Grim
Grim.
Minced fruit should be the reserved for octogenarians in old age
homes with no teeth.
I do not want my fruit pre-chewed thanks very much. Ummm ‘No Thanks mom’, I do not want to burn my mouth on your over-sugared-cat-sick-mince-pie when I am sitting in the sun
drinking Bolly.
Why not something delicious and creamy like a pasties de nata instead? Delicious!
Christmas
pudding and brandy butter
As a child
the only reason I accepted a serving of this hot abomination was to find money and
nothing has changed. Except now I give the coins car guards instead of buying
Chappies.
I never actually eat it, I just move it around the plate so
that it looks like I have made an attempt. Any ‘dessert’ that needs to be
boiled for hours and hours before it is edible should not be trusted.
If we have to have cake for Christmas, then can’t we just have a gorgeous chocolate cake
or a lovely ice cream cake?
Turkish
delight
I just have
to think about Turkish delight and I get that chalk board finger nail feeling
down my spine.
Perhaps I have sensory issues, but the very texture of the stuff
makes me want to throw up.
If you can somehow chew it without yacking, it will
then get stuck in your teeth and you and up having to taste bits of it falling
from gums for hours. But perhaps that’s just me?
Christmas
crackers (OK, strictly not food)
Maybe I’m dreaming, but have Christmas crackers got cheaper and nastier every
year?
It seems to have coincided with them being ‘made in China’ as the
words of wisdom and/or jokes that are tucked inside make no sense at all.
The ‘crack’ only works in half of them and the contents are complete
junk.
Does anyone know where to get decent ‘cracking’ crackers, with quality contents
and coherent English?
So, what about
a nice simple braai for Christmas with some top notch vino? Now that would be nice on a sunny day.
What do you
lot think?
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