I spent most of my university years working in various restaurants to earn money to eat in other, nicer places.
Without fail there were always unsavoury customers and here are 5 of the usual suspects.
Flirts
Flirts are the absolute WORST kind of patrons. This is not a revue bar and the ‘fur
burger’ joke was not even funny before Brazilians became in vogue.
I am here
to smile and serve you food and the only ‘happy ending’ to this
relationship will be my tip.
Still worse is a couple where the one partner flirts with you while you
are taking their orders. This is extremely uncomfortable for the
waitron and the hapless partner alike and almost always ends in a bad
tip. Save your flirting for the pub boys!
Arguers and criers
These tables are impossible to serve well, as there is never ever a good time to approach a couple engaged in a full blown argument.
I immediately take sides, generally concluding that the guy is a prick, but this is probably only due to the fact that he isn’t crying like her.
Then the stony silence when you ask them for their order, which is a total waste of their money as it is a physical impossibility to eat while you are being dumped.
We know why men do this in restaurants – to moderate the shouting – and I suppose it works, but it is very cowardly, and the tips are always bad.
Complainers
Don’t get me wrong, if the food is inedible, send it back with pleasure.
But some people just send food back because they feel they can. When the food is perfectly fine and they are just being difficult, the joke’s on them as they just show their fellow diners what tits they are.
These very same people love to send wine back under the auspices that it is ‘corked’. They think that the term ‘corked’ is for wine that you do not like the taste of, rather than for wine that is off.
I remember once telling a customer that the wine was not corked and that he would have to pay for it. He walked out in disgust (after paying) leaving the wine behind which was a delicious after work treat for us. Thank you very much.
Time wasters
UUURGGGGGGH, I really hated these people. I would go back to the table 3 times and they still weren’t ready to order.
They have heard the specials – twice, but when they are ‘ready’ to order, they are like a 3yr old trying to choose a Quality Street. Just order something dammit!
I have 5 other tables to serve and do not want to listen to you change your mind 3 times only to order the dish you chose in the first place.
Sitters
It feels like these customers are never going to leave.
They are under the impression that seeing that they are paying for dinner, they can sit and chat for hours and hours after their meals are finished.
I remember one such table nodding happily when I told them I was going to have a sleep in the booth and that they should wake me up when they wanted to leave. What a cheek!
One trick was to rub the tables with vinegar to ‘smoke’ them out, but it did not always work on drunken customers. No – it is not acceptable to keep the place open after midnight when you are the only customers left – it is just rude.
Follow The Food Bitch on Twitter.