I swapped my braai meat for a juice cleanse, and it was as bad as you think

(Images: Unsplash)

Ever started your day with a “Dare” and finished it with a “Swizz” while not playing a drinking game?Or how about a “Shine” and an “Immunity”?Not?

Welcome to the world of juicing. And not the type that gets you suspended from rugby for having pimples on your back the size of your new found muscles! Nope, the type that starts with a cup herbal tea called “Love” or “Turmeric Gold” followed by a neat ginger shot and sees you drinking only cold-pressed juices for three days! 

But almonds are so good for you! Be gone, foul almond! Zero chewing for three days! Having just got through my three days of penance, I can attest to feeling pretty damn good – who wouldn’t after dropping 3kg in a week – but my oath people, it is not for the faint of heart!

Ever used the phrase “Jeepers, I am peeing like a racehorse” after a few too many Friday evening post-work refreshments? You have no idea! One night I decided to measure the output (don’t ask how), and duly delivered 1.75 litres of the stuff. Snow white, I will have you know. Not even a hint of yellow!

Speaking of output, and apologies for being a smidgen graphic here. Those of you happy to get through the entire sports supplement while on the throne will be bitterly disappointed. Instead, you will be lucky to deliver a three-second “Bokdrol” given that almost all of what goes in is actually used by the body.

And if brave enough to look before you flush, do not call 911 like I was tempted to do. Said “Bokdrol” is likely to be blood red and starting to stain the water. Far from it being an indication of colon cancer, instead it is the body dealing with the amount of beetroot crammed into the day before’s “Recharge”!

Enjoy a cup or two of Java to get you going every morning? Say goodbye to that little sin, instead say hello to a sledgehammer smashing the inside of your skull on the afternoon of day one as your body toils with life sans its daily dose of caffeine. 

Can I exercise whilst on a cleanse? “Definitely”, say the head honchos, but “Be gentle with yourself,” they say. I might not have heeded that advice, and as such picked up some pretty intense light headed-ness after my spin session on day three. But that had nothing on the afternoon hunger pangs. Do not be fooled, Mense. You’ll find yourself wondering what the couch leather might taste like with a bit of butter on it, and dreaming of steamed broccoli and overcooked kidney! The cashew and almond juice is amazing, but you only get 2 of those over the 3 days. The cucumber, kale, spinach and basil ensemble is traumatic, and you get that for basically every second juice! As said, not for the faint-hearted.

Would I do it again? 100% yes! What would life be without a challenge or two? How would one appreciate the good if that is all you dosed yourself with? And who can’t do with a few kg’s off that little (or not so little in my case) muffin that appears above the jeans after the festive season?

Together with partaking in “Dry Jan”, juicing is a little reminder of how important that hanger of skin and bone is. What we put between the two is up to us.