Why I hate Christmas lunch

The Food Bitch has a good go at SA's 'traditional' Christmas food.

28 Nov 2012
christmas dinner

No, I am not the Grinch -  I actually like Christmas day, but I have grown up with the crappiest of Christmas food.


This is thanks to this strange adoption of British Christmas fare in a country that has a summer Christmas. Why are we forced to eat Winter comfort food in our board shorts and a T-Shirt? 

Since some of the older people in the family have become worm food, the younger generation have been trying to sneak in some more modern, summer dishes, with limited success. 

However there are still the ‘die hards’ who expect their turkey and traditional Christmas pudding in 30 degree heat! Save me. 

South Africa and Turkey - 'What?'

We never have Turkey any other time of the year except on the 25th of December.

Now I am sure that many of you have Turkey recipes that keep the meat moist blah blah blah, but in my experience, when cooking something only once a year - usually when you are half pissed, means it is never going to be cooked well. 

We have tried all manner of methods (lately the Weber edition wrapped in foil has been popular) but it is never even close to being as nice as a Weber chicken - see my fool-proof recipe.

So I ask you with tears in my eyes  “Why can't we just have chicken?”. Chicken is moist, tastes better and you actually want it for leftovers.

Now that I think about it, I have never even seen a turkey farm in South Africa so I assume they are imported as they are always frozen in the shops.

Mince Pies

Grim Grim Grim.

Minced fruit should be the reserved for octogenarians in old age homes with no teeth. 

I do not want my fruit pre-chewed thanks very much. Ummm ‘No Thanks mom’, I do not want to burn my mouth on your over-sugared-cat-sick-mince-pie when I am sitting in the sun drinking Bolly.

Why not something delicious and creamy like a pasties de nata instead? Delicious!

Christmas pudding and brandy butter

As a child the only reason I accepted a serving of this hot abomination was to find money and nothing has changed. Except now I give the coins car guards instead of buying Chappies. 

I never actually eat it, I just move it around the plate so that it looks like I have made an attempt. Any ‘dessert’ that needs to be boiled for hours and hours before it is edible should not be trusted.

If we have to have cake for Christmas, then can’t we just have a gorgeous chocolate cake or a lovely ice cream cake?

Turkish delight

I just have to think about Turkish delight and I get that chalk board finger nail feeling down my spine.

Perhaps I have sensory issues, but the very texture of the stuff makes me want to throw up.

If you can somehow chew it without yacking, it will then get stuck in your teeth and you and up having to taste bits of it falling from gums for hours. But perhaps that's just me?

Christmas crackers  (OK, strictly not food)

Maybe I'm dreaming, but have Christmas crackers got cheaper and nastier every year? 

It seems to have coincided with them being ‘made in China’ as the words of wisdom and/or jokes that are tucked inside make no sense at all

The ‘crack’ only works in half of them and the contents are complete junk. 

Does anyone know where to get decent ‘cracking’ crackers, with quality contents and coherent English?

So, what about a nice simple braai for Christmas with some top notch vino? Now that would be nice on a sunny day.

What do you lot think?

Follow The Food Bitch on Twitter - @FoodBitch_SA

- The Food Bitch

Read more on: food bitch  |  christmas  |  turkey

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