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The waiting game

Cath Shone checks out bestseller Waiter Rant and goes back in time to dig up funnies from her days as a waitress.

Lately I've been hearing a lot about Waiter Rant, a blog turned book. It's about the antics of an anonymous waiter and the scandalously entertaining stories that have turned his blog into a best-selling novel.

I worked nine long years in the service industry and let me tell you my cup runneth over with hilarious tales. I've rounded up a few stories from the friends I've worked with over the years – for your entertainment.

The chancers

Douglas – 31, Project manager.
"I was working at one of the busiest Café Bars on Piccadilly. One evening, one of my customers ran up a huge bill and did a runner (meaning I would have to cover it). After running around the restaurant I found him getting into a cab outside.

"I jumped into the cab with him and embarked on a sight-seeing trip of Mayfair. After running up a huge fare, arguing with the drunkard, we arrived back and he eventually paid."

Doug's favourite restaurant is Belthazar, for their steak and winelist.

The 'not so bright'

Mark – 35, landscape gardener.
"I was managing pizza restaurant years ago and we had a lovely waitress who was quite young. She had been there a couple of weeks and I was puzzled as to why she didn't take the food out when the chef rang the bell. She replied innocently, 'Oh my gosh! I thought that was the microwave.'"

(You couldn't make it up.)

Mark's favourite restaurant is La Colombe

Cath – 33, me.
"I was working a shift at the Dome in Hampstead, in the summer of '96. I was spinning (that's waiter speak for crazy busy). I put in an order for a bottle of white wine and arrived at the bar to find my wine standing there. I squawked at the new Italian bartender to put the wine in an ice bucket. When I returned, I saw the bucket but no bottle.

"I enquired where the wine was, he said with a very confused look on his face, 'but eet ees in the bucket'. Sure enough I peered into the bucket, there was my Sancerre floating merrily with the ice cubes. What can you do but laugh?"

The not so innocent

"I don't think you can waitress for too long without being hit on. I had just got back from a month in Greece and I was young, tanned and…sigh…thin. I had hardly noticed a couple I was serving. Until they left that is. A wee note with a phone number on the back of the bill. 'Hi. We think you're very sexy. Give us a call sometime.' Yowzer!"

The clebs

Marian – 34, mobile product manager.
"I served the band INXS one night. Michael Hutchence wasn't there so I had no idea who they were. The drummer asked me afterwards if I enjoyed live music. He left me two VIP passes six weeks later for their concert at Wembley."

Marian's favourite restaurant is Olympia Café

The hell shift

Kate – 33, PA.
"This Sunday my partner called me from his newly acquired restaurant 'Kate my staff have not pitched, if you want to – please help.' 'I don't want to, but I will' I replied. I grabbed an apron and headed off for my first waitressing shift in nine years.

"It was hell – no it was worse. The only waitress (moi) was not using table numbers or the computer but rather handing the 'barrister' pieces of paper with scribble hoping he would be able to sniff out the table numbers, put the food orders in the computer and make all the drinks!

"I knew it had gone belly up a table heard me ordering their food when they should have been receiving it. I looked the young one straight in the eye and lied 'No that was not your order, scrambled eggs with crispy bacon on the side is a very popular dish. Your food is almost ready.'

"Some things just never change."

Kate's favourite restaurant is Trabella, best Brie and Cranberry pizza!

Now you've heard their stories, tell us yours!

Ashtray! A waitress at a local Keg greeted a customer, took him to a table. The customer ordered a beer and when she returned she asked what she could get for him, he replied " an ashtray". 20 minutes later ( after he has found his own ashtray), the waitress returned with.......an EISHBEIN! - Gman   Whine We recently spend a night in the Underberg. I thought a nice glass of wine would compliment the meal and asked the waitress whether they have wine by the glass. She replied with red, semi-sweet and dry white. I then proceeded to ask her what type of red wine it is. Her answer: Chardonnay. When I pointed out that it's not possible she scurried to the kitchen and returned triumphantly: "Robertson". I scrutinised the wine list and the only Robertson wine on offer was a Chenin Blanc. As a last resort I asked that she brings the bottle for me to look at. She then confessed that she is not allowed to bring the wine out as it comes from a box. At that point I just gave up! - Jane   waiting Drama Brilliant article - takes me back. I was always known as the "Panic Stricken Waitress........ One Sunday Morning at "Browns" Butlers Wharf - Tower Bridge London...one of those days where unless you had a buggy and 5 other scraming children all under 8 year olds in tow, you would stand out! anyway full section plus another table or two. I froze screaming at the Manger Samuel.." I can't cope, I can't cope NO More No More......".that was when i realised I was not cut out for the world of waitressing and I now have the greatest admiration for all those dedicated waiters out there - who one should NEVER take for granted unless you're a fan of Buffet style dining!! Bon Appetit Jules x - julie-anne   Fishy I worked in a seafood restaurant for five years. One of the highlights was when a client asked a new and very young waitress whether he could purchase fresh fish from us. She told him no, but that he could probably try the pet shop next door..... TRUE STORY! - Ashley   Freestate farmer My wife was waitressing for the 1st time at a steakhouse in Stellenbosch some years back. A Free State farmer and his family arrived for supper. Large steaks were ordered by all. As instructed, my wife politely asked if they would like a sauce with the steak. The farmer blurted out loud "luister meisie as ek vleis eet dan eet ek vleis. Ek sit nie sukke kak op my vleis!" - John   story We were at the Ciao Baby Cuisine in Montecasino. After dinner, my husband signalled to the waiter that he wanted our bill, by 'writing' with his finger in the air. The waiter promptly arrived at our table with crayons and a piece of paper. When we looked blankly at him, he said he thought my husband wanted to draw something. We just laughed. - Alma Pretorius   I had just moved from Johannesburg to Vredendal in the Cape. My Afrikaans wasn't very good and the only work I could get was in a restaurant. One night a customer at one of my table asked me where the toilets were. I got a very confused look when I told them in my best Afrikaans: 'Dis daar in die toekom' - what I meant to say was 'ontvangs'! Love your website!! - Teresa   I work at Chalet Suisse in East London and a patron once asked me what a Lamb Shank was. I told them quite confidently that it was the bottom part of the cows leg! They gave me a very confused look... - Tracey   I was working at The Keg in P.E. and this chap ordered a huge rare steak with fried egg on top. When he went to the toilet his friends said I should bring it out raw with a raw egg on top as a joke. So, I chatted to the kitchen staff and they agreed. I delivered it to the table and they all had their giggle...and as I went to take it away to be cooked he said to leave it He ate the entire thing raw with glupey raw egg on top....eeeu! - Liz   lost in translation I had a waitron reply to a guest asking "how is the duck" with a confident "its like a chicken, but it swims..." Also the classic...What cut of meat is this, replied with "its not a cat, it's a cow" - craig   Waiter rant I was working for a big sports bar in centurion during a Blue Bulls match with about 250 guest in the place. We had this one guest the was giving everyone a hard time. I approached his table to see what the problem was to which his first words where to me "I know the owner". To which I replied "so do I sir I work for him". The guest just looked at me mouth open sat down and behaved the rest of the time. - Lindy       Name Email Subject Comment